4As President Decries Extravagant Management Boondoggles In Speech At Laguna Beach Ritz Carlton.

Fri, 29 Apr 2005 17:42:27 -0700

LAGUNA BEACH— Against the backdrop of the rolling Pacific Ocean while perched atop a sun-soaked cliff, 4As President John Fenton spoke to a packed luncheon at the Ritz Carlton in Laguna Beach.

“We cannot send the wrong message to our people,” he said, referring to the often lavish management retreats and “business trips.” “Ostentatious boondoggles can many times do irreparable damage to your agency’s underpaid and overworked personnel.”

The keynote speech came on the final day of the 4As conference in Laguna as attendees came in from a morning round of golf at Pelican Hill Country Club and just prior to departing on an afternoon yacht cruise through the harbor.

Top management from nearly every large agency from all over the country were on hand to find ways to cut back on unnecessary spending during these difficult economic times. At the champagne and caviar reception before the luncheon, Grey Vice Chairman Donald Voorhees said, “Careless spending has to stop. It’s time we stop passing on needless trips and expenses to our clients.” He then added, “Have you tried the Caspian Beluga? I haven’t had caviar this rare since our Management Work Session last month in St. Croix.”

The weeklong event was designed to bring agency’s together to share ideas and work together toward improving agency moral, which after sweeping layoffs is at an all-time low. “I think we made a lot of progress this week and I certainly have a newfound sensitivity to the people who come to work every morning and stay late every night, yet can barely afford rent,” stated Shari Siegel, Managing Partner at J. Walter Thompson. “That’s why I picked up these little golf ball hat pins for all my group heads as a sort of ‘Hey, we haven’t forgotten about you,’ kind of thing.”

The week-long conference was a huge success and most of the scheduled events went off with out a hitch except for the final night’s banquet, which was delayed an hour as the plane of guest chef for the evening, Emeril Lagasse, was delayed arriving from New Orleans.

Sources say that if the economy fails to make significant improvements, next year’s event might feel the effects. “If the industry doesn’t recover from current downturns, plans to completely take over a small island near Tahiti for a week could be scrapped in favor of a less costly South of France location,” said Mr. Fenton.

ACD Amused By Number Of Hours Jr. Team Is Willing To Work To “Nail” Coupon FSI.

Wed, 6 Apr 2005 09:45:57 -0700

CHICAGO— Despite repeated assurances from senior creatives that “they’re done,” FCB/Chicago junior team members Karen Schilling and Jennifer Piedmont declared their intentions to keep working until their efforts produce a coupon insert for client Hamburger Helper that’s “One Show gold pencilable.” Said Schilling, “This assignment has award show written all over it. We just can’t let it pass by. I’m willing to work all weekend if we have to.” Piedmont concurred. “I know there’s something great out there. Maybe we move the logo to the left corner it’ll be that much better. But I don’t know. We just have to keep going.” ACDs on the account, however, are said to be less convinced that more work is actually necessary. Said ACD Max Wiodson, “Good God, those girls aren’t still working on it, are they? That’s freaking hilarious. We thought it was funny enough when they showed us something like 40 layouts the first time around. They had these long explanations and ideas for photo shoots and everything. Freaking juniors. I mean, I admire their dedication, but come on. This thing has like two hours budgeted towards it, max. They really need to get a life.”

Assistant Discovers Supervisor's Lavish Lifestyle Isn't Something You Can Achieve On Print Production Salary.

Mon, 7 Mar 2005 09:52:14 -0800

NEW YORK— As a result of the ongoing trial and investigation of O&M, print production assistant Cynthia Verogosi was crushed to learn that the extravagant lifestyle of her supervisor may not be something she can attain in her chosen career. “I saw my him buying boats and cars and wearing expensive jewelry and thought to myself, ‘Boy, if I just work hard, I can have all that, too,’” she told sources. “Not.” The 27-year old Verogosi said she never really wanted to be in print production but said the ‘pot of gold at the end or the rainbow’ was enticing. “Great, now I’m stuck in this crappy career and the pot of gold is gone,” she commented. “What the hell do I do now?” Verogosi is weighing her options in hopes of getting out of what she now refers to as a dead end job with limited financial gains. Ms. Verogosi is not alone in her reassessment of a career in print production. Applications for the department across the nation fell 75% since news of the kickback scandals and subsequent prosecutions surfaced last year.

Marketing Director Believes "I Fucking Hate It" Is Sufficient Enough Feedback On Agency's New Campaign.

Mon, 7 Mar 2005 09:49:34 -0800

ST. LOUIS— The Marketing Director of a local car dealership told sources today that he is satisfied with the feedback he gave his agency yesterday when presented with a new campaign. “I honestly don’t know what else I could have said,” noted William Craven, Marketing Director of Missouri Chevy Dealers Association. “If my agency can’t understand ‘I fucking hate it,’ then we clearly have a communication problem.” Agency representatives attempted to get Mr. Craven to elaborate in the meeting about what exactly he hated, but got nowhere. “You can’t just hate something without a very thoughtful, articulate explanation of what you hate and why,” said Senior Account Planner, Stephanie Moss. “I just don’t know where to go from here.” Said Mr. Craven in response, “Hey, here’s an idea, how ‘bout doing something I don’t fucking hate.” The agency is currently re-grouping on the campaign and have agreed to come back with a new campaign in a few weeks.

Steve Jobs Insists On Referring To Creative Team As “Fuckstick #1 And Fuckstick #2.”

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 16:14:32 -0700

CUPERTINO– TBWA\Chiat\Day creatives Josh Fenger and Dylan Edmunds have informed Apple account supervisors that they’re “pretty goddamn tired” of Apple CEO Steve Jobs repeated failure to address the team by their given names. “It’s always, ‘What’s that, fuckstick?’ or ‘This better be good, dickweed.’” said an exasperated Fenger. “Is a simple ‘I don’t like it, Josh,’ really too much to ask?” Added Edmunds, “I really thought that whole cancer thing was going to mellow him out a little, but if anything, he’s even worse now than he was before. Every time we present, it's always something like, ‘Try again, monkey boy,’ or ‘Hey, shit for brains. Go tell Lee you’re fired.’ I swear, one of these days I’m going to lose it and kick the crap out of that smarmy shit.”