Seriously, has it really gotten so bad out there that agencies are now staffing up with former PA's from The Muppet Show? How did this happen? Who sitting in that room when the team wearing the rainbow suspenders came in with a board where the big idea was a button-eyed marionette (okay, an "edgy" button-eyed marionette "with an attitude,") said "call in the storyboard artists, we got ourselves a keeper?" And ten American dollars says there were high fives on that day. Yep, somebody was dusting off their shelves making room for those One Show pencils. And the night it was sold, hookers for everyone. You can fucking bet on it.

But afterwards, once the mescaline had worked its way out of everyone's systems, was there no one who thought, "Holy fuck! We just sold the world's largest pizza chain a talking vermin!" Was there not one person with the testicular fortitude to ask in mixed company after their eighth beer, "Why is everyone going along with this?" And how did anyone offer up "Bad Andy. Good Pizza." with a straight face, anyway? Muscle relaxants?

So many questions. Why, for example, spend $100 million dollars reminding customers that your pizzas are being made by slack-jawed, mouth-breathing fuck-ups, (stuffed or otherwise,) who use pizza bags as saunas, overload electrical outlets with video games and, for all we know, piss in the tomato sauce and jerk-off into balls of pizza dough? (Future spot: "Oh, look at that darn Andy. He's taking a dump in the flour bin! When will he ever learn. Bad Andy!") What happened, did they ran out of non-English speaking immigrants to hire? Suffice it to say, we'd all feel a lot better if it tagline was "Good Hakeem. Mediocre Pizza." After all, at least Hakeem probably had his shots.

Of course, there's always the chance that "Bad Andy" is the result of nothing more than a dare gone bad. Maybe a disgruntled writer decided to expose a Creative Director for the drunken hack he is. Maybe a focus group heard the "check out the fat chicks" comments through the one-way glass a few too many times and figured, "let's fuck with these bastards." Maybe it was all done on a bet. If so, well, then what can we say. We take it back. Good job. A stunt like this beats out seeing Tom Green blow a cow any day. Those high fives and hookers were well deserved.

Congratulations.