January 15, 2001
Try as I did to find an abysmal gem of TV advertising for this week’s tirade, I couldn’t quite pull the trigger on any one spot. That’s not to say that I didn’t train my sights on a few new ones that have potential. Indeed, I have my eye on one or two that I think, in time, will develop into campaigns deserving of the full unforgiving brunt of my familiar needling. But before you dismiss this text as a "man gone soft," read on, for I have turned my focus toward agency web sites, where I have found a whole new hilarious world in which to mock.

The Internet has given ad agencies a new arena to showcase their pissing contests. It has introduced a world audience to the bullshit mantras and meaningless buzzwords that "set them apart" from other agencies. Catchphrases and philosophies (I mean, "proprietary tools") that were once kept within the walls of conference rooms during new business pitches are now proudly being spewed on the internet. The revelation that the people in this business are as full of shit as used car salesmen is now just a click away.

To someone such as myself who has shed the moniker of adman, I find this big agency B.S. wildly amusing. But for the people who are still putting "advertising" on their tax return forms every year, I could imagine having this kind of headless prattle displayed on the internet is painfully embarrassing.

Take, for instance, Bates USA's philosophy, which they’ve termed "Return on Imagination." (You see, instead of "Return on Investment," it’s "Return on Imagination." Get it?) Besides it being nothing more than a dumbass wordplay, where exactly does it figure into their breakthrough work for Hyundai? From where I sit, Hyundai got a fucking car driving around for 30 seconds and the commercial rights to a Hendrix tune. Perhaps "Return on Imagination" costs extra. Like floormats.

If you really want a good ‘ole fashioned belly laugh, go to FCB’s web site. In their "portfolio," you’ll find their mission statement– "Raising the Bar." It even has a little illustration of two men actually raising a bar. I swear to God, I’m not making this up. And in their "tools" section, they go into excruciating detail about a process they call Mind and Mood, which they claim "will bring us closer to the people our advertising will reach." Okay so they do focus groups. Big fucking deal. Even funnier is the fact Mind and Mood is a registered trademark, as if they thought someone might steal it.

It gets better. Grey starts off their web site with a little piece of flash animation. In dramatic form, the phrase "10,000 focused minds finding the edge," appears on the screen. For those of you unfortunate enough to be one of those 10,000 minds, are you really "finding the edge," or are you merely ready to jump off of one?

Impiric’s web offering is completely inane. (Actually I don’t even know what Impiric does, but they were listed on AAAA as an agency so I went to their site.) They’re telling potential clients that they "Manage interaction at all customer touch points." Touch Points? What the hell is a touch point? I know where mine is, but I’m guessing we’re not talking about the same thing.

I could go on and on. Ogilvy with their "360 Degree Branding" and D’Arcy with their "Brand Vision," but my fear is that once you get hooked the pure hilarity of ad agency web sites, you’ll never come back to Adweak. I’m just not that funny.
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