Messner Vetere Berger McNamee
Schmetterer/Euro RSCG
Receptionist "Just Can’t Fucking
Take It Anymore."
NEW YORK— After two months of answering phones by stating the agency’s full and complete name, MVBMS/Euro RSCG receptionist Jennifer Hodgkins has told superiors, "enough’s enough." Said Ms. Hodgkins, "When they first told me that I had to say the whole thing verbatim, I thought it was some sort of sick receptionist joke. Do you have any idea how many times people would hang up before I even got to "McNamee’? After awhile, it was hard not to take it personally." While regretting Ms. Hodgkins decision to leave, Human Resources Director Sarah Parker reaffirmed the agency's phone answering policies, and stated that until a replacement could be found, all MVBMS/Euro RSCG incoming calls would be answered by a highly trained parrot.

Account Exec Concerned New
Pillsbury Jingle "Not Doughy
Sounding Enough."
CHICAGO— Leo Burnett account director Matt Datwyler expressed concerns today that a new jingle for longtime client Pillsbury was simply not "doughy" enough sounding to satisfy client expectations. Tossing the demo tape of the latest musical effort back at surprised creatives, he explained, "I don’t know what they were thinking. We’ve got a brand to protect here. What would the client have said if they’d heard this? They’d have lost their shit." While the responsible Pillsbury creative team was at a loss to explain the sprightly tune’s lack of "doughiness," they’re hopeful that the addition of a jazzy guitar melody will meet with Datwyler’s approval. Said art director Chris Sammuels, "Fine. Whatever."

Creative Dept. Meeting Concludes
Account, Planning, Media Depts.
To Blame For Lackluster Work.
DALLAS— After an exhaustive, six-hour meeting designed to "clear the air" with regard to existing agency issues, the Richards Group creative dept. has reached the unanimous conclusion that the blame for recent less-than-award-winning work falls squarely on the shoulders of the account, planning and media departments. "They fucking suck!" explained jr. art director Brian Chatham. He added, "It’s like the other day, some account chick comes back with this ‘the client wants his logo bigger’ shit. I told her to tell the client to bite me, but does she? No. What the fuck?" In releasing their findings, the creative dept. also recommended the agency fire all existing clients and "go after Nike or something."

Agency That "Understands Clients'
Needs" Loses Pitch To Agency
That "Kisses Clients' Ass."
MIAMI— Following a month-long review, Florida Mutual Life finally selected an agency to handle its $15 million account. "It came down to two agencies," said Chairman Mark Soleau. "While we liked Crispin Porter's ideas and experience, Hurlitz & Partners blew us away with how much they sucked up to us." The small Miami-based agency's pitch strategy was simple, said Joyce Hurlitz. "We knew we couldn't compete creatively or strategically, so we decided to just kiss some serious ass, " adding, "If one of the clients said something even mildly amusing, we'd laugh like it was the funniest thing we'd ever heard." At the end of the pitch, Hurlitz & Partners presented the prospective client with an assortment of expensive cheeses and wines.