ADWEAK

FCB/SF Hoping To Squeeze In Final Round Of Layoffs Before Year’s End As “Gift To Shareholders.”
SAN FRANCISCO— Management at the struggling San Francisco outpost of ad giant Foote, Cone & Belding is rushing to pink slip yet another group of staffers as 2001 draws to a close. The layoffs are intended to be a moral booster for investors and will serve as what one top level official calls “a nice little Christmas present to the shareholders.” FCB president Ian Beavis told reporters last week that “Shareholders have families to support and vacation homes to maintain and if I can help them have a happier Christmas, then by God, I will.”

Saatchi Seeks To Win Back Hispanic Toyota Account With Launch Of New Subsidiary, “El Saatchio Advertisingo.”
LOS ANGELES— Saatchi & Saatchi announced today the launching of a new subsidiary, El Saatchio Advertisingo, in an effort to convince Toyota to bring its Hispanic account back to the agency. The carmaker, who just days ago hired Carisma Advertising in Mexico City, told Saatchi they were looking for an agency that better understood the Hispanic marketplace. That prompted Saatchi management to put together a team of staffers with Latin surnames to form the new entity. Said Junior Planner Rudy Diaz, “They just rounded up everyone who sounded Mexican and told us we were now part of a different agency.” He added, “I’ve never even been to Mexico. I was born in Anaheim.” A logo for the new unit is still in the works but sources say it will feature something indigenous to the culture, “like a burro or a Mexican jumping bean,” said an agency designer.

FCB Resigns AT&T In Hopes Of Luring Another Tight-Assed Telecommunications Account.
NEW YORK— In an unexpected move, FCB here resigned the remaining portion of its AT&T business to give themselves the freedom to pitch another God-awful, conservative telecommunications client. Mike Bosman, President of FCB, told his agency in a memo, “While it’s hard to end the AT&T relationship, I believe an even more bureaucratic, more difficult client is in our near future. With some hard work, we can attract a humorless, dictatorial kind of client whose layers of middle management wouldn’t know a good ad if Jesus Christ himself presented it.” With AT&T off its roster, the agency feels they are now poised to bring aboard an even larger pain in the ass.

One Month After Winning Hardee’s Business, Mendelsohn/Zien Creatives Still Shouting, "We Kicked Cliff Freeman's Ass!"
LOS ANGELES— Although the decision to move the Hardee’s account from Cliff Freeman & Partners to Mendelsohn/Zien/LA was never stated as a creative decision, the boasting nonetheless continues. “Not a day goes by that I don’t hear one of the creatives saying something to the effect of ‘Yeah, guess those hacks over at Freeman couldn’t handle a little creative shootout,’” said an unidentified M/Z account executive. Witnesses say the creatives can often be seen in the hallways high-fiving and bumping chests saying to each other, “This year we’re going to fucking clean up at the shows, baby,” obviously referring to their one and only campaign for the year, The $6 Burger campaign.