Proctor & Gamble Demands Increased Usage Of Exclamation Points In Print Ads.
NEW YORK— Stating “it’s about time this muddle-headed creative foolishness came to an end,” executives at packaged goods monolith Proctor & Gamble have informed all roster shops that print advertisements “from now on” will be expected to make use of exclamation points “without restraint.” Said Ivory soap product manager Dorothy Weingreen, “Our research has shown that exclamation points have been vastly under-utilized in recent years, which is simply intolerable. How is a consumer expected to understand the full, wonderous benefits of Ivory’s no-tears formula without the proper exclamatory punctuation? It’s just good marketing sense.” Weingreen later suggested that agencies should also reconsider their "dated" usage policies regarding ellipses, not to mention bolded or underlined text, as all “are time-tested tools for increasing reader interest and excitement.”


Agency Lays Off 4% Of Staff Just To Get The Press.
LOS ANGELES— At an elaborately staged press conference, Dailey & Associates/LA announced this week that due to “continuing market conditions” the agency will lay off approximately 4% of their workforce, effective immediately. “Though we know this news is sudden and probably front-page banner headline worthy for the wrong reasons, it simply had to be done. It’s not like we’re winning any new business or anything.” The newly unemployed staffers, which consisted of former beverage coordinator Lupe Gonzales and assistant AV operator Matt “Matty” Helburn, were surprised at the announcement, though understanding. Said Helburn, “I heard it was either let go of me or raise the price of cokes 25¢. And I doubt they could have got this kind of press for that. I probably would have done the same thing.”


Feature Film Director Kevin Smith Continues To Stand By Claim That He "Really Liked The Ballpark Franks Boards."
NEW JERSEY— Despite rumors he was “only doing it for the money,” “Chasing Amy” director Kevin Smith is defending his decision to direct commercials for hot dog manufacturer Ballpark Franks. Said Smith, “Those dudes had some fucking nice boards, man. I would have practically done them for scale. Or something close to that.” The spots, which mostly consisted of tight shots of steaming frankfurters which emphasized their magical "plump when you cook 'em" abilities, lacked Smith's characteristic ribald dialogue and scatalogical references. Nevertheless, he maintains they were the kind of project "he'd like to do a lot more of." "Sure the money was fucking great. I'm not denying that," explained Smith. "But it was artistically rewarding as well. And you just can't put a price on that."


Parody “Bad Ad” Indistinguishable From Actual “Bad Ad.”
DALLAS— A parody “bad ad” created by The Richards Group for longtime client Motel 6 has been repeatedly mistakenly identified as an actual “bad ad,” to the deepening frustration of art director Stephen Thomas. Said Thomas, “It’s a fucking joke, already. I mean, c’mon, who would really use a starburst surrounded by descending fingers to highlight a price, for God’s sake? And that picture of the sign? It was fucking awful. Doesn’t anyone get it? Jesus.” While Thomas admits his own creative directors "didn't seem to get the irony to the extent I intended," he's hopeful award show judges will be more understanding. "I don't know if the national shows are really sophisticated enough to appreciate its self-depreciating underpinnings," said Thomas, "but I'm sure this little beauty is going to be turning some heads come Cannes-time. And then we'll see who's the hack around here."