ACD Amused By Number Of HoursJr. Team Is Willing To Work To “Nail” Coupon FSI.

CHICAGO— Despite repeated assurances from senior creatives that “they’re done,” FCB/Chicago junior team members Karen Schilling and Jennifer Piedmont declared their intentions to keep working until their efforts produce a coupon insert for client Hamburger Helper that’s “One Show gold pencilable.” Said Schilling, “This assignment has award show written all over it. We just can’t let it pass by. I’m willing to work all weekend if we have to.” Piedmont concurred. “I know there’s something great out there. Maybe we move the logo to the left corner it’ll be that much better. But I don’t know. We just have to keep going.” ACDs on the account, however, are said to be less convinced that more work is actually necessary. Said ACD Max Wiodson, “Good God, those girls aren’t still working on it, are they? That’s freaking hilarious. We thought it was funny enough when they showed us something like 40 layouts the first time around. They had these long explanations and ideas for photo shoots and everything. Freaking juniors. I mean, I admire their dedication, but come on. This thing has like two hours budgeted towards it, max. They really need to get a life.”

Mitsubishi Dealers Looking Forward To Having Someone New To Blame.

CYPRESS– Hours after entering into contract negotiations with BBDO/NY, Mitsubishi dealers across the nation expressed their dissatisfaction with whatever future advertising campaigns BBDO has planned. “We’re getting killed here, goddamn it, and heads are going to roll,” said an enraged Mitsubishi of Des Moines sales manager, Dick Thermond. Other Mitsubishi dealer representatives shared Thermond’s rage. “I can’t blame my sales staff, they’re doing everything they can,” said an equally dissatisfied dealership owner. “And the product is what it is. It’s got to be that shit for brains agency we're about to hire. What have they done for us since the pitch? Anything?” While industry observers have pointed to many factors which have contributed to a steady decline in Mitsubishi sales, including increased competition from Korean-made rivals and an overall lack of product quality, dealers are steadfast in their determination to point the blame squarely at their agency (or soon to be agency) of record. Said Thermond, “If those ad geniuses don’t have bodies beating down my doors to get into a new Outlander by the end of this quarter, there’s going to be hell to be paid, mark my words.”

Marketing Director Believes "I Fucking Hate It" Is Sufficient Enough Feedback On Agency's New Campaign.

ST. LOUIS— The Marketing Director of a local car dealership told sources today that he is satisfied with the feedback he gave his agency yesterday when presented with a new campaign. “I honestly don’t know what else I could have said,” noted William Craven, Marketing Director of Missouri Chevy Dealers Association. “If my agency can’t understand ‘I fucking hate it,’ then we clearly have a communication problem.” Agency representatives attempted to get Mr. Craven to elaborate in the meeting about what exactly he hated, but got nowhere. “You can’t just hate something without a very thoughtful, articulate explanation of what you hate and why,” said Senior Account Planner, Stephanie Moss. “I just don’t know where to go from here.” Said Mr. Craven in response, “Hey, here’s an idea, how ‘bout doing something I don’t fucking hate.” The agency is currently re-grouping on the campaign and have agreed to come back with a new campaign in a few weeks.

Assistant Discovers Supervisor's Lavish Lifestyle Isn't Something You Can Achieve On Print Production Salary.

NEW YORK— As a result of the ongoing trial and investigation of O&M, print production assistant Cynthia Verogosi was crushed to learn that the extravagant lifestyle of her supervisor may not be something she can attain in her chosen career. “I saw my him buying boats and cars and wearing expensive jewelry and thought to myself, ‘Boy, if I just work hard, I can have all that, too,’” she told sources. “Not.” The 27-year old Verogosi said she never really wanted to be in print production but said the ‘pot of gold at the end or the rainbow’ was enticing. “Great, now I’m stuck in this crappy career and the pot of gold is gone,” she commented. “What the hell do I do now?” Verogosi is weighing her options in hopes of getting out of what she now refers to as a dead end job with limited financial gains. Ms. Verogosi is not alone in her reassessment of a career in print production. Applications for the department across the nation fell 75% since news of the kickback scandals and subsequent prosecutions surfaced last year.

Steve Jobs Continues To Insist On Referring To Creative Team As “Fuckstick #1 And Fuckstick #2.”

CUPERTINO– TBWA\Chiat\Day creatives Josh Fenger and Dylan Edmunds have informed Apple account supervisors that they’re “pretty goddamn tired” of Apple CEO Steve Jobs repeated failure to address the team by their given names. “It’s always, ‘What’s that, fuckstick?’ or ‘This better be good, dickweed.’” said an exasperated Fenger. “Is a simple ‘I don’t like it, Josh,’ really too much to ask?” Added Edmunds, “I really thought that whole cancer scare thing was going to mellow him out a little, but if anything, he’s even worse now than he was before. Every time we present, it's always something like, ‘Try again, monkey boy,’ or ‘Hey, shit for brains. Go tell Lee you’re fired.’ I swear, one of these days I’m going to lose it and kick the crap out of that smarmy shit.”

“Everyone Keeps Ripping Me Off,” Claims Idaho-Based Copywriter.

BOISE– Brian Fitch, a copywriter at R&G Marketing Solutions/Boise, has informed peers that a recent multi-million dollar campaign for the Ford Focus is “a total rip-off” of an unproduced spec commercial he presented to a local Dodge dealer some three years earlier. The Focus spot in question features a voice purporting to speak for the vehicle with the tagline “It begs to be driven.” Explained an irritated Fitch, “I can’t believe it. The talking car was such my idea. I though about doing a voiceover like that an everything. I wonder how those bastards found out about it. Mother fuck.” Despite his passionate complaints, coworkers are said to be more amused than supportive of Fitch’s claims. “He says he’s been ripped off at least once a week, I swear. You should have heard him when Nike was running that Lance Armstrong commercial. Every day, all we heard was how that was so his. Blah blah blah. Fucking ridiculous,” said an anonymous colleague. “He still claims his “Do you have enough life insurance?’ and ‘Got milk?’ are the same line. Meanwhile, he’s lucky to be working on an envelope call-to-action line. Moron.”

Toyota Revises New Tagline To More Legally Correct “Moving Forward, Except When Reverse Is Engaged. See Owner’s Manual For Details*.”

TORRANCE– Days after announcing their high-minded new tagline, “Moving Forward,” Toyota Motor Co. has announced it will be altering the freshly adopted “rallying cry” slightly to address concerns of internal legal department representatives. The revised slogan, which incorporates more direct language in addition to an asterisk referring consumers to a larger, even more detailed block of copy, “more precisely conveys the actual forward and reverse capabilities of all Toyota vehicles,” said Toyota marketing director, John Sakuta, “I admit, it’s not as short and punchy as we would have liked, but what are you going to do. It’s a legal thing, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned since the whole urban marketing fiasco, it’s not to mess around with those folks on anything. It still works. We’re all on the same page here.” Account executives at longtime Toyota agency Saatchi & Saatchi/LA were said to be less receptive to the revised tagline, however. “Jesus holy fucking Christ,” said Sr. AE Kristy Robertson, “this happens every time we run anything through those nit picky pinstripe suit-wearing bastards. I knew we shouldn’t have messed with the last one, whatever it was. Or how about we bring back ‘Oh, What A Feeling’? That was good, right?”

Advertising Week NY Special Report: Advertising Professionals Gather, Reaffirm Importance Of Advertising Professionals.

NEW YORK– Advertising Week kicked off last week in the home of Madison Avenue, New York City, and offered industry professionals from around the nation a wide variety of symposiums, workshops and seminars discussing the primary issue of our day: Why advertising ia so very, very, very important. The reviews have been consistently positive. “I was really impressed,” said Y&R/Irvine Account Planner Stanley Roberts. “That lecture on Tuesday discussing the significant role account planners have played in building just about every major brand imaginable was fascinating. I wish everyone in my office could have been there.” Grey Account Supervisor Vivian Robins agreed. “I knew advertising was a vital facet of our national economy,” she said, “but I never knew quite how vital it really is. The business world should get down on their knees and kiss our Prada-clad ass every chance they get for the wonderful work we do.” Added an enthusiastic Saatchi/NY ACD Glenn Faterelli, “The points Donny Deutsch made about how advertising attracts the best looking professional females of any industry outside of porn, wow, I couldn’t have agreed more. Our girls are hot. Is this a great business or what?” The week-long event concluded Friday with a roundtable discussion entitled “Account Directors vs. Management Supervisors: Who’s More Responsible For A Client’s Success?” followed by a closing award ceremony honoring the week’s best speakers, panelists and attendees.

Creatives Unreceptive To Suggestion That Entire Television Budget Would Be Better Spent On Interactive Media.

AUSTIN– In response to a request from longtime client Southwest Airlines for fresh, out of the box thinking, the GSD&M media department reportedly presented a plan internally which recommended the carrier dedicate 100% of their 2005 media budget to direct response emails and interactive media. Surprisingly, the plan met with unexpected resistance from creative department members. “Their reaction was a little, um, restrained,” noted Sr. Media Buyer Meg O’Reilly. “They're creatively-minded people, so I thought they’d really appreciate how original our plan was. After weeks of effort and some highly productive brainstorming sessions, we determined that via highly targeted interactive messaging, our reach would be almost six times what we could ever hope to get from tv. If that doesn’t say Effie Award, I don’t know what does. When we showed our big idea to the boys downstairs, however, it was almost like they weren’t even listening. I don’t get it.” While Creative Director Scott McIntire was said to be “intrigued” by the media department’s proposal, he felt his recommendation that Southwest’s entire 2005 media budget be spent on a series of 90-second Super Bowl commercials had more internal support. Said McIntire, “Nice try, but I don’t think so.”

Despite 3-Year Long Review Process, New California Lottery Work Virtually Indistinguishable From Old California Lottery Work.

SAN FRANCISCO– After a monumental review process that included a long list of statewide candidates, multiple protests, various lawsuits and several reversed decisions, the California Lottery Commission has launched an “all-new” advertising campaign in an effort to rekindle previous Lottery excitement. Ditching the long-running “Who’s Next?” campaign which utilized dream-line imagery that invited consumers to envision the many ways their lives would be changed by winning the Lottery, the new "Big Upside" campaign utilizes dream-line imagery that invites consumers to envision the many ways their lives would be changed by winning the Lottery. Explained Lottery representative, Larry Cohill, “Though I know the process was painful for everyone, I really think it was worth it. In every one of the hundreds of focus groups we held, people’s answers were always the same: ‘I play the lottery because I want to win a shitload of free money and never work again.’ With this new campaign, I think we’ve hit that nail squarely on the head. As we never get tired of saying around here, it’s a winner.”