ADWEAK

Earthlink Shocked To Learn They Don’t Actually "Own” Orange As Promised By TBWA/Chiat/Day Planner.
PASADENA— In the process of transferring their account from previous agency TBWA/Chiat/Day to the newly hired LBWorks, Internet service provider Earthlink was reportedly stunned to learn they do not legally own the color “orange,” despite repeated assurances from TBWA/C/D account planners to the contrary. Said Earthlink Director of Marketing Sarah Hirshberg, “For two years straight they told us over and over, ‘You own orange! It’s even better than ABC's yellow and it’s all yours!’ Now we come to learn we don’t actually own the color at all. In fact, according got our lawyers, anyone can use it whenever they want royalty-free, and there’s nothing we can do about it. How did this happen? We were figuring the licensing fees from (fast-fooder) Orange Julius alone would give our bottom line a needed boost this year. Now I don’t know what we’re going to do.”

Taco Bell's Hip New Spokesperson Exudes "Phat-itude" And Is "All That" According To Agency.
SAN FRANCISCO— With his “extreme” behavior and “aggressive, in your face” speech patterns, executives at constantly beleaguered Taco Bell agency FCB/SF are confident their recently introduced spokesperson will “connect like gangbusters” with their 14-28 year old target audience. Said a jubilant account director Tim Willet, “Goodness gracious, we really hit the nail on the head with this one, thank God. Our testing shows that this new ‘skanky fresh’ spokesperson, or ‘spokesdude,’ is just what this brand was calling for.” Account planner Margot Hennenbaum agreed. “He’s not only phat, he’s all that. Which is to say he speaks the kids’ language, and does the outrageous things they only wish they could do,” she said, adding an emphatic, “Boyee.” According to Willet, the unnamed “dude” will continue to “shake up the straight world” with his wacky antics for the foreseeable future, or until anyone can come up with something better.

Production Schedule Allocates One Day For Concepting, 14 Days For Approvals.
CHICAGO— Facing a May 14 drop dead date, DDB/Chicago traffic manager Tracy Weingold impressed coworkers and clients alike recently with her ability to produce a schedule which not only met the prescribed deadline, but still provided planners, account staff and client contacts with their required 14 working days of approval time. The schedule, which traffic director Bev Youngblood proclaimed “a thing of beauty,” maintained the sanctity of approval time by reducing production time to a “doable” three days, and earmarking a mere 24 hours for the creative team to “work their magic.” Said the observant Weingold, “Usually when I go by their office it doesn’t seem like they’re really working anyway, so while a day might be a little tight, I’m sure it’ll be fine. No worries.”

Hal Riney Hoping To Impress Future Employers With Elaborate Self-Promo Piece.
SAN FRANCISCO— Cryptically noting, “When the road turns to mud, it’s time to start looking for pavement,” longtime Publicis/Hal Riney & Partners Exec CD Hal Riney is reportedly responding to recent account losses by reaching out to area creative directors with a self-promotion piece “of epic proportions.” Explained Riney in his trademark rich, sonorous tone, “Since the writing seems to be on the wall around here, I figured it’s time I got my ass in gear and started knocking on some doors.” With the 4/C, die-cut piece, which by all reports is “impeccably produced and quite witty,” Riney is hoping to “at least get on some freelance lists.” “I’ve got a mini-book ready to go if I get a bite,” said the hopeful Riney, adding, “Goddamn it, that bastard Goodby owes me.”

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